What Do I Really Want?

Back when I first started keeping a blog, I used to log my dreams all of the time. After a while though, I all but stopped. On occasion, if I have a particularly strong dream, I will log it, and this is one such occasion. I received some startling news last night (I won't say, but it wasn't about any of our clients, but it could potentially affect TR) that I think may have contributed to this.

As usually, it was a multi-sectioned dream that transitioned from one set piece to another without explanation or meaning, but the last set piece is the one I am writing about.

I found myself with a backpack filled with some of my belongings; and I'm walking onto familiar ground, Millersville University, where I went to college. The campus is buzzing. It's the first day of not classes, but Student Move-In Day. I was going to live on campus this semester.

In real life, all through out college, I commuted from my home 45 minutes away every day for class. I was always a part-time student as I couldn't afford to go full time, and even though I went 4 years, I didn't graduate. I was forced to drop out for two reasons. One was the I went flat broke. The other I'll get to later.

Back to the dream, I remember looking up online who I would be rooming with. I recognized the guy. He was a guy that I played football with in highschool who I didn't particularly care for, but when I got into college, he was startlingly friendly to me. The other was a girl I never heard of. Maybe it was a co-ed dorm?

I was barely ever in the dorms when I was in school. Because of the kinda person I am, and the commuting I had to do, I really missed out on the social aspect of college. I think I went to... 2 parties the entire time? And that's only because Craig from Bad Transitions threw them. Infact, the BT guys where the extent of my social life in college. Going back to their places, grabbing food (most of the time at Waffle House, Jack's... or if we were really fuckin starving The Sugarbowl) playing videogames up the wazoo, just hanging and chatting for hours on end... Yup. They were my boys. I had a spark of a social life my sophomore year, but it died all but completely the next year. Why? I'm just not a social butterfly I guess.

Back to the dream, the dorm was bustling with life. I remember readjusting my backpack on my shoulder, and looking at the paper, trying to find my new home for the next few months. I've never lived outside of somewhere I haven't known since I was a baby, so this was really an adventure for me. I remember finding my room, and opening it up. The first thing that took me back was that the place was fucken huge! It was a full fledged apartment! Full sized living room, kitchen, and 3 bedrooms. I remember the girl and a friend of her's were in the living room watching TV when I walked in. They were really friendly and greeted me, and seemed to know this was my first time living away from home. I remember being gracious, but being anxious to get settled. I figured since I was the new guy, I would get the small shit room that's in every apartment, and I didn't mind that. I'm not a guy with great needs. I remember peering into the rooms, looking for the unfurnished one (knowing that one would be mine). However, not only was every bedroom fully furnished, but 2 times the size of my bedroom here in Ocean City! I turned to the girl and said "WTF is with this? What happened to the coffins that kids used to live in?". She explained that while I was away, state law changed and deemed those kinds of dorm rooms INHUMANE!!!

I tossed my things on my bed and was just like "wow", and walked back into the living room where two random guys who I assumed were friends of the girl were playing Rock Band. They only had one guitar and a drum kit, but were being pretty cool and offered me a chance. One guy heard that I was into drumming and started talking to me like I was a pro, and I had to explain to him that I sucked and was only just learning at my leisure. We started chatting about different drum kits when I started to get hungry. We headed down to the cafeteria as a group. I remember feeling really happy. My roommies seemed like cool people, everyone was really friendly, my dorm was a fucking knock out, and the biggest point for me, I came back to college at an age where I was still young enough to fit in. I started thinking about getting my classes squared away after this food break (I guess I didn't have them scheduled yet?) and being ecstatic about being able to take up Japanese again. We walk into the cafeteria... then the second reason why I'm not in college bites me square in my fucken ass.

From one of the food lines I see Gothique Prince Ken, then SiSeN, then several other member's of BLOOD's touring entourage (yes, they are in full costume btw). I walk up to them and ask them what the hell they are doing there. I knew they were in the country, but why were they on campus? Ken tells me they wanted to see me, and I tell my new friends I'll catch up with them as I take the guys up to the dorm room. On the way up, I notice Kiwamu's not there. I ask where he is, and Ken says "Roger... I have some really grave news".

"What is he dead?"

"Well..."

"Holy shit dude is he fucking dead???!!!"

"Um... well no... but he killed someone"

"WHAT" (In my mind I was thinking it was only a matter of time)

"Well, we were vacationing here and doing some hiking, and Kiwamu pushed a kid off of a cliff"

"Oh Jesus Christ, a kid..."

"Yeah... and the kid was the son of another band's drummer" (A band I am actually trying to sign to Tainted Reality in real life)

"Oh fucking God" was the only thing that kept running through my head. I took them up to the dorm while I tried to figure out what to do. When I got in, the guy I didn't like too much was being as overly friendly as I remember him being, and had a few of his friends in the living room. I just brushed them off and said these guys where clients of mine and were gonna stay in my room a bit. I then went outside and tried to clear my head.

WTF, Kiwamu just killed a kid? And the son of a member of another band I'm trying to sign? This kept running through my mind as neighbors were trying to welcome me to the dorm, some even giving me chocolates. I all but ignored them as I got consumed in the turmoil in my head. I leaned against a wall and slid down into a sitting position. I was fuckin dumbfounded. Then my cell rings. I pick it up, and it's Kiwamu. He's hysterical. I'm having it out with him, and he told me it was an accident. Knowing Kiwamu, if he meant to kill the kid, he would be screaming about how much the kid deserved it. After we talk a little while, he asks me to bail him from jail. I say ok and ask him where he's at. I wake up soon after.

I honestly dunno what this means for me. I know I want to finish up college. It is a big loose end in my life. However, I really just can't afford it. My grandfather says he will give me the money to go back, but he is so far in debt that had to sell my home of 19 years to recover from it (the debt accumulated from my grandmother's final few years in a nursing home due to Alzheimers). And then there's TR. Ever since leaving, TR has really started to take off and we have had many major major successes now that I can focus on it full time without interference from college. And I really don't see TR as a burden either. Hell, many of the happiest moments in my life have happened due to this little organization. So I have no idea why in this dream, it was portrayed in such a negative light. One thing is clear and always has been clear to me. I really do wanna go back and finish what I started, but how can I when I cant afford the money (hell, I have to work nearly full time to just keep TR going, then my personal expenses, and now worrying about college expenses), or the time (Often at work, I am placing as many business calls as I can, sometimes even getting in trouble with my boss, as well as spending almost every waking moment I'm not at work on this computer doing various things for the organization). How and when I get that degree is going to be a mystery for a long time it seems.

What do you think this dream meant?

-Roger